


The Great Chernobyl Coffee Incident

by AwariaSuit



Category: Chernobyl (TV 2019)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Because it ain't real until there is a coffee shop AU, Coffee, Everybody Lives, Fluff and Crack, Gen, Happiness For All Fankind, M/M, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-22
Updated: 2019-08-10
Packaged: 2020-07-10 12:34:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19905790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AwariaSuit/pseuds/AwariaSuit
Summary: There is nothing sane about Chernobyl Coffee Shop. What happened there, what happened after... even the good coffee we made... all of it... all of it...Madness.NOW ILLUSTRATED!





	1. The Great Chernobyl Coffee Incident

_It began with, of all things, a safety test._

Chernobyl Coffee Shop #4 was not new when this incident occurred. It was in operation on December 20th, 1983. On the last day of that year, district manager Victor Bryukhanov signed a document certifying that construction of the coffee shop had been completed. He celebrated by buying himself a cake.

But the certificate — and the cake — was a lie. In order to sign that document, all safety tests had to have been completed. Yet, one remained...

  


* * * 

  


— Sasha?

Toptunov walks out of the break room, fastening the ties of his barista apron. He steps behind the counter.

— You know the test they were supposed to run? — Akimov asks him, not looking up. 

_Test? What test?_

— The coffee grinder rundown. They tried it last year. They couldn't do it on the day shift, soooo they've given it to us.

— To us? But we don't even...

— It's fine. We take the grinder down to 700 rotations per minute, hold it there, and the rest is Stolyarchuk and Kirschenbaum. But — he pauses. Dyatlov is going to be supervising.

Toptunov pales instantly. Now he knows why Sasha is worried. And with good reason. Dyatlov is like, _the worst manager ever_.

— I have to do something I've never done before with _Dyatlov_ breathing down my neck? — He shudders.

— Don't worry. We'll do it together. — Akimov reassures him, because that's what he does and who he is, the best (and best looking) shift leader ever, in Toptunov's eyes. 

— I'm looking at the coffee grinder instructions manual now...

  


* * * 

  


_Ding_. The front door opens and shuts, loudly. Dyatlov steps behind the counter. He looks at the coffee grinder RPM readout. — Sixteen hundred. Good. We've been cleared to run the test.

— Now — He addresses all the baristas — Is it too much to ask that you all know what you're doing?

— Well... — Toptunov starts.

— Yes. Absolutely. — Akimov cuts him off.

— Stolyarchuk? Kirschenbaum? — Dyatlov turns around to where they're standing by the foam pumps.

— I haven't reviewed — Kirschenbaum begins, but Dyatlov throws a binder in his direction.

— There, review it. _Let's go._ Toptunov, reduce RPMs to 700.

  


* * * 

  


— Okay. Very slow now. — Akimov guides him. — Let's coast it down to 700 RPMs. Whoa whoa whoa... slow!

Toptunov jumps away from the coffee grinder controls. — I'm not even touching it.

— What did you do? — Dyatlov materializes right behind him.

— We did everything right. — Akimov begins to explain.

— Look at it! You fucking _amateurs_. You stalled the coffee grinder. How the _fuck_ did you get this job?

— I answered the want ad — Toptunov manages to say, before Akimov can intercept him.

— Comrade... — Akimov begins to say.

Dyatlov is incensed. — You're going to tell me you did everything right again, you incompetent arsehole?

— I apologize for this unsatisfactory result. — Akimov throws down the ace of apologies, but it is useless against Dyatlov. He's the kind that would upend the card table rather than lose.

— Raise the RPMs. — Dyatlov tells him, his tone icy. — Or you're all _fired_. You will never work at another coffee shop again. Not in Kursk Kafe, or Ignalina Roastery. Or Leningrounds. Or even the fucking Starbucks in Novo-Voronezh. — He scans the room, making sure to make eye contact with each and every one of them. Toptunov looks away.

Akimov has no choice. All of their barista jobs are on the line, and he's the shift leader. He turns to Toptunov, who is now visibly trembling. — Together then.

  


* * * 

  


At twenty-three minutes past one in the morning, the test begins. The foam pumps are shut down. Unused by other machinery, electricity surges to the coffee grinder. 

Toptunov notices the RPMs rising. _Oh no_.

— We have a power surge, Sasha!

Akimov races to press the coffee grinder shutdown button. There is a terrible noise, like a whine that pierces the coffee shop floor. Then, an explosion shakes everything. The lights flicker, and dust falls from the ceiling.

  


* * * 

  


— What the fuck just happened? What did you _do_? — Dyatlov demands to know.

— I don't know — Akimov doesn't know.

Brazhnik runs into the main coffee shop floor.

— There's a fire in the kitchen. Something blew up!

Dyatlov thinks _hard_. Finally, he comes up with an explanation.

— The kitchen. The cappuccino system tank. Milk. — He turns to Akimov with a cold look in his eyes. — You and Toptunov, you morons blew up the milk tank.

— No, that's not — Toptunov tries to argue, but just then Perevozchenko bursts in.

— It exploded!

— We _know_. Akimov, is the coffee grinder still on?

— We shut it down. — Akimov replies.

Perevozchenko looks from Dyatlov to Akimov and back to Dyatlov, stunned.

— It exploded. The grinder _exploded_.

Dyatlov shakes his head. — He's in shock. Get him out of here.

— The lid is off. There's coffee everywhere!

— You're confused — Dyatlov tells him calmly. — Real Big Machine Koffee RBMK grinders don't explode. Toptunov, take him to the break room.

Toptuov springs to action. As he leads Perevozchenko toward the break room, Akimov leans down to whisper. — Don't worry, Leonid. We did everything right. Something, something strange has happened.

Toptunov grabs Akimov's arm and whispers. — Sasha, do you taste burnt coffee?

  


* * * 

  


Dyatlov has left to make his report to district manager Bryukhanov and assistant district manager Fomin. The remaining baristas huddle together in the semi-darkness of the coffee shop's main floor.

— What about auxiliary? — Asks Akimov.

Stolyarchuk shakes his head.

— The foam pumps are gone. Electrical is gone.

— The grinder? — Toptunov looks nervous.

— I didn't go in the kitchen — Stolyarchuk tells them. — And I _won't_. 

— We need ground coffee to serve the customers, or there's a risk of them having an epic meltdown. We have to grind the coffee by hand.

_By hand?_

— Sasha — Stolyarchuk starts, but Akimov interrupts him. — What is it you want, Boris? Unsatisfied customers? If it's true, then we're all fired. And millions will be without their morning coffee. Is that what you need to hear?

Stolyarchuk looks down, silent. Akimov turns to Toptunov. He knows Leonid will follow his orders, partly because he is his shift leader, but also because he knows Toptunov's got a crush on him.

— We'll grind the coffee by hand. — he tells him. Toptunov nods. He will follow Sasha anywhere, even to the scary back room.

— By hand? The amount of coffee beans, and the time to grind them, you're talking about _hours_ in there...!

But Akimov and Toptunov have made up their minds. Toptunov is already opening the back room door. Akimov gestures to Kirschenbaum. — Watch the registers while we're gone.

— They're not working. — Kirschenbaum points out, flatly.

— Just watch them!

He and Toptunov disappear behind the door to the back room.

  


* * * 

  


Bryukhanov and Fomin arrive in front of Chernobyl Coffee #4. Dyatlov steps outside to greet them.

— Tell me what happened. Quickly.

— We ran the test exactly as assistant district manager Fomin approved.

Fomin sees what Dyatlov just did there. _Motherfucker_.

— Night shift leader Akimov and barista Toptunov encountered... technical difficulties, leading to accumulation of milk in the capuccino system tank. It regrettably ignited and set the roof on fire.

Bryukhanov looks at Fomin. _Does any of this add up?_

— The tank is quite large. And the milk we use is highly flammable. It's the only logical explanation. Of course, coffee shop manager Dyatlov was directly supervising the test — Fomin returns fire — so he would know best.

_Right back atcha, Dyatlov._

— What about the coffee grinder?

— We're taking steps to ensure it is functioning.

— And the coffee concentration in the air?

— Obviously, out here it's nothing. — Dyatlov waves his hand. — Inside the coffee shop I'm told it's 3.6 parts per million.

— That's not great. But it's not horrifying.

The last thing he needs is air quality inspectors from the MinAirnergo getting on his back about the concentration of coffee in the air.

  


* * * 

  


The back room is cavernous and dimly lit. Akimov picks up a bag of coffee beans and lays it on the table. He grabs a hand-crank coffee grinder.

— Okay. Let's begin.

He puts coffee beans in the receptacle and begins to turn the crank. Toptunov just stands there, frozen in place by the enormity of what they are about to undertake.

— Leonid. Snap out of it.

Toptunov nods and joins Akimov at the table. He picks up a grinder.

— All the way, okay? Until it's ground up.

  


* * * 

  


Bryukhanov and Fomin stand outside of Chernobyl Coffee #4, waiting for the coffee commission to arrive, in order to assess the incident.

— Shcherbina is a pure bureaucrat, as stupid as he is pigheaded. We'll tell him the truth in simplest terms.

Fomin nods obediently.

Just as the helicopter touches down, Shcherbina hops out. Legasov stumbles after him. Shcherbina gets right to business.

— Why did I see coffee beans on the roof, Bryukhanov?

Bryukhanov has that deer in headlights look, so Shcherbina presses on. — Coffee beans are only found in the core of the coffee grinder, where it's used as caffeine fuel, correct?

 _Holy shit_ , Bryukhanov is stunned. _Alright, time to pass the buck_. He turns to his assistant district manager.

— Fomin, why did comrade Shcherbina see coffee beans on the roof?

— There can't be, I– comrade Shcherbina, my apologies, but coffee beans? That's... that's not possible. Perhaps you saw... cat food pellets?

— Ah, now there you made a mistake — Shcherbina narrows his eyes — because while I don't know much about coffee beans, Legasov here — he points to his sciency companion — has a cat. Tell 'em what you know about cat turds, Legasov.

  


* * * 

  


It is now early morning. The kitchen fire has been put out.

Dyatlov storms in from the back office.

— Power is finally back on. Where the hell are Akimov and Toptunov?

— They're in the back room... — Stolyarchuk's voice wavers. — Grinding coffee by hand.

— Well, tell them to get back in here! We managed to borrow the grinder from Chernobyl Coffee #3.

Stolyarchuk opens the back room door, prepared to see the worst, his coworkers exhausted from grinding all those coffee beans by hand.

But there, in the dim light of the back room sit Akimov and Toptunov, their hand-cranked coffee grinders long forgotten, holding each other's hands and... _snogging_?

— They're, uh, going to need a moment, comrade Dyatlov. — Stolyarchuk reports, closing the back room door.

  


* * * 

  


Sometime later, customers are starting to trickle in. First in the queue is that blasted scientist, Legasov.

Dyatlov, having been ordered by Bryukhanov to work the registers, narrows his eyes. Behind him, those two morons, Akimov and Toptunov emerge from the back room, both looking rather _radiant_.

— What are you waiting for, Legasov? Tell me your order.

— For god's sake, Dyatlov — Bryukhanov chastises him. — That's terrible customer service.

— Legasov's tying up the queue. He wants something — he wags his finger at Shcherbina, queued behind Legasov. — She wants something! — He points to Khomyuk, queued behind the other two.

— Let him order. — Shcherbina growls, with an evil glint in his eye. Nobody messes with Valera (except him).

Just then Akimov and Toptunov finish connecting the backup coffee grinder and it starts up, extremely loud.

— WHAT IS THE COST OF ICE — Legasov yells over the noise — coffee?

  


  



	2. Let Him Order

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This wonderful art was made by **plast1c-4rt** aka the miner. ♥︎

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Check out more art at https://plast1c-4rt.tumblr.com


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